I know not many people read this and really i am ok with that. It's just nice to know that my feelings are being put out there, almost a relief in a way so there not so boggled down inside. Today was a great day but there is a something in the air around me and in me that wanted more. As today came closer to the end and i had moments where i stopped and looked around me i wished there was one person in my life who desired to share these moments with me in a different way. Although i know that day will come soon, its always hard to believe it will. Lately i am wondering if i am becoming that person who looses belief in love. The kind of love that comes rarely from one human to another. Because i have only experienced let down when someone decides to love me, it always comes to an end. So lately when i think of love i think of the times i have been deeply scarred. Maybe the only true love is from God. But then again i have examples of amazing relationship around me so love must be real. I know love is real, after all i am its biggest promoter. I suppose i had a moment today where i felt so alone, i couldn't breathe. Heck today i was so helpful, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that were crowding space in my head. i picked up every piece garbage i saw, i took pictures, i picked up peoples plates when they were done. If i had a purpose all my misfortunes didn't matter so much. And being single really isn't a misfortune its just not what i want for myself but God knows better.
When i got in the car tonight waiting for my parents to get in, the night concluded. As i sat there i whispered to God "I am ready for commitment, i am ready for what's real."
When i got home from my grandpas i gathered all my gifts and put them in the appropriate places and made sure my room stayed clean. When i was cleaning my room i realized how much i love change. My parents tried to get me to move back into the big room in the garage but i kept refusing and i didn't really have a reason for them. Change is something that sustains me whether its a good or bad thing. I have lived in every room in my house except my parents room. Especially when a memory haunts me in one place i will move to the next and make a better memory to replace it. I am now in the smallest room in the house with a bed that takes up about 70% of the space. But right now i don't think i have ever had a room that represents me more than this one.
In the last year there has been so much change, a lot of it was scary but turned into a beautiful things. We had our first grand baby/niece spend christmas with us this year. Morgan Grace is beautiful and reminds us all how precious life is. We cant get enough of her pure, gentle and perfect love.
This day will always begin and end with the Birth of Jesus Christ. But instead of focusing only on his birth it is important to remember his death and resurrection. last night i was working on my parents gift and needed to find a quote or verse to put on their gift. I was thinking and thought of something.
Faith is what you showed…
Love is what you perfected…
Grace is what we receive…
…All because you died that day.
Jesus paid it all. He came for you and i so we could have a love that we could never imagine a tangible love that never ends. He brought light into my life and a promise that can never be taken. I am so thankful to belong to king that loves me more than i could ever love him.
So i choose to end with that today :)
