heart break

the tears are falling.

pain is increasing.

love is becoming worthless.

broken.

people are running.

abandonment.

self worth hardly exists.

murder.

My heart is exploding! Be careful when you ask the Lord to break your heart for what breaks His. You will never be blind again.

LOVE, if you have it, GIVE it.

2010

WOW. What a year it has been. A very hard year to say the least. One i will not forget. So much has happened, so much change, so much healing. Really everything thing was good, but tough to confront. Last year at this very time, i had so much hope for my life to be a certain way for the next year. But God brought different challenges and blessings. Starting this new year, i am not asking God for anything. He knows better, He knows what i need.

I have been so blessed this year by my parents. Ok maybe I am spoiled :)

I have also been very spoiled by a new church family who has loved me and allowed God to give me an abundance of opportunities to serve Him. Thank you WSFC for being obedient and serving our community.

I'm sure looking back on your own life, you will see you learned the most in your toughest times. I learned a lot this year!

I learned a lot about contentment.

I learned that you dont need anything to impact others but a willing heart and the Holy Spirit.

I learned a lot about forgiveness.

I learned I love to run.

I learned to appreciate God plans for other people.

I learned even when people doubted Gods plans for my life, i still succeeded.

I learned Dutch Bros. makes all there drinks with half and half. :/

I learned Jesus will come quickly. I will keep His words.

I learned rebel streaks are not necessary.

I learned I need a lot more grace than expected.

I learned a bit more that i love people so much!

I learned I need to forgive myself even when i forgave everyone else.

I learned more about God's love and how it can consume me.

I learned my parents are still giddy for each other.

I learned I have a fetish for birds (decorative things).

I learned when i see other succeed i get overwhelming joy! (I tear up too easy!)

Most of all I learned God will never abandon me.

So take a deep breath and BEGIN year 2011. Expecting to see and feel Gods hand everyday.

The only part of you that people are really interested in, is what is real. That is often the hardest part to show. And also it might not be so pretty, but when you become transparent thats when your can begin your beautiful journey.

This Holiday season be real with your family and let them see the parts of you, you dont often show. I know you are concealing something, i know i do. Show your passions, what you love, and what your dreams are.

And if your angry about something when it comes to your family, dont wait til your about to burst to expose that. Do it when your in a good mood or calm.

I want to know the real you, because thats who i love!

Love,

Leah

Although...

Loosing sleep.

Tonight is one of those nights I need to take my own advice and read some of my previous blogs, to remember how I have learned and what I have been saved from.

Tonight is one of those nights I'm just sad to think of what I may be missing.

Tonight is one of those nights I don't want to be alone in this room.

Tonight is one of those nights where being this outspoken and full of emotions makes me be thankful I am so alone.

Tonight is one of those nights where I remember the trouble I got myself into, letting myself find worth in the wrong person or the wrong thing.

Tonight is one of those nights where all I'm wanting is a change.

Tonight is one of those nights where its just a little too dark.

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel like all my scars where created just yesterday.

Tonight is one of those nights I need to take my own advice and read some of my previous blogs, to remember how I have learned and what I have been saved from.

MY mind is going to the wrong corners of my brain! God made me so detailed and gave me a great memory. Although i seem to remember the bad things more these days, than the good things. It used to be the total opposite, but the good things God does in my life i do not forget. I have forgiven but i haven't let go completely of the hurt. Why is that so hard for us to do when thats the feeling we want the least? Is it because thats the last thing we have? If we let go of the hurt than its completely gone. Maybe i dont let go of the hurt because i will feel it was all for nothing? None of these reasons make sense but may be true. I need to do something differently.

So lately i have had lots of opportunities with my art. Although they have not played out yet. So maybe i just need to jump into my art more. I need to get the juices flowing. I need to warm up these fingers. Thats what im going to do. I will paint.

Ill post a picture soon.

Thank you cyber space for listening to me rant this late evening.

(a previous painting the Holy Spirit inspired me to do)

Let Go and Let God

I have ran into a moment this evening where I feel very uncomfortable. Being reminded of my mistakes makes me come undone and so uneasy. This makes me wonder if I have truly forgiven myself. I must say though I have come a long, long way. 10 months ago I would have been falling apart but now its more like a poke in my side.

Its interesting how our minds can flash visions of how it could of been or how we would have done it all differently. These visions in my mind are bringing me down. I try to talk myself out of them, telling myself its in the past, you have no control of the past. Which is true but I remember I cant do this on my own. So I replace those thoughts with prayer then jump on the computer to see if a friend is available to talk. Bethany a college friend of mine was able to talk for 5 minutes which is all it took. We both new I was past this little hiccup I was dealing with and all I needed was a little encouragement and distraction.

Praise God for bringing us through trials and giving us purpose and a tangible love we can have. No matter the situation we put ourselves through God always gives us a way out. When we recover from that situation, we somehow, one day, love the ones who hurt us again. Then we regain conscience of knowing we deserve what is real and what is given to us by God...Forgiveness.

Can you recall a situation where God saved you from what could have been? Can you think of a time where you finally made the right decision when it mattered most? If you can, thank and Praise God for it now!

Maybe all you can think of in your head is that you have failed everything. I know thats not true, but maybe this can cause you to make a good decision right now. Has something been controlling you? Have you been allowing the enemy to have his way because you have given up? Have you allowed something or someone to have power over what you do, say or believe? You were created to do good things and be good and to minister, that is why when you do the wrong thing you are miserable. Take the challenge and change something in your life that will put you in a better place tomorrow. Then forgive and forgive yourself.

Now i can rest. Goodnight.

Next chapter.

Ever want to skip the Chapter your in?

I've always wanted to feel things and learn things but never have anyone notice. Hoping I could go through this rough patch without loosing the perception you have of me. People can be locked inside there own body and no one ever tells them its ok to become vulnerable. Vulnerability is where real beauty is received. If you never see me struggle ill just become a person who looks good on paper. Or someone you will never admire. Someone who lives simply with no stories to tell.

I want you to know its ok to fall, and its ok to stand up in front of everyone and try again. You may get your heart broken more than once, maybe you will sound like a broken record, but living your life adventuring into every corner is worth the risk. I promise you will have a story at the end of this people can learn from.

Don't ever regret loving someone, but dont ever compromise who you are here to be. Don't let things go unsaid, but don't forget how your own heart has been bruised.

Allow people to be vulnerable with you. Love them and hold there hand as they walk away from there fears, doubts, and sins.

And when you get to the parts you want to skip remember hold onto your purpose in Jesus. I loose my balance on this tight rope, but there is nothing that can ketch me like the love I have available to me through Christ. So when I have to come clean and I am vulnerable to you all, I will be safe. Everyone has there knew beginnings when they realize who they are is not who they have been. Through all this comes transparency.

Hide no more.

Enjoy where you are.

Be who you are.

Discover those around you.

I'll Never Let You Go

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Tenth Avenue North)

New Love.

------

So maybe someday we will figure all this out. Maybe someday we will be better off. Maybe some day we will know just how good it can get. But really there are no words right now...its just that same big sigh i give with a frog in the back of my throat. Knowing that i did it again, knowing i seeked a filling to my heart in the wrong place...the same place. 

------

When will i learn?

i was expected to not give up and suffer.

When will you know?

-----

A love that had never been deeper.

Is lost.

But a new one begins. And He never fails me.

Hallelujah He Reigns, He Reigns in my heart.

Prayer:

Lord being still is what I need.

Being transparent is what i need to achieve.

Lord your brightness is being covered by dark clouds.

So Lord let it rain down on me. 

And when it clears, it will be a new day. 

And so that day belongs to you.

Then when my heart bumps it will be a loving beat :)

Lord lets go to our secret place, in the field of serenity, just you and me.

Remember how we would dance, in those lavender fields. 

Find me there again.

Then under that Oak tree we will rest.

And there, you will cure my heart.

To you be the glory.

Amen

Me Vs. The Mask

Lets face it Love can easily fit behind a mask.

Mask of Words.

Mask of Sex.

Mask of holding.

Mask of a smile.

Mask of promises.

But what really is behind the mask is lies.

The enemy molds people to break their promises, to restrict themselves from showing how they can love. Lives are destroyed by the misuse of love, countries even. So why do we still go after it? Why do we always fall so hard when we know what made us fall before? The world has put on a mask of love but what really is behind the mask is a deceiver. 

So why i ask again? 

Because we all know we have a real genuine love to give.

False relationships of love can tear a person apart, left feeling used and alone. So how do you avoid this? What would have made you wait until you had God's permission? Honestly looking back as a 16 year i dont think there was a thing in the world that would have stopped me. All i new was pure love, i had never felt mistreated in my entire life so i was naive enough to believe that would never happen to me because i never saw myself mistreating someone. The mask was so real looking, and there was a big heart inside i wanted to hold.

Then there comes a point where the mask comes off. You are aware of its powers but you believe you know the person trapped inside really loves you. So what do you do then? How do you leave someone behind that you have given more than you should to? After all if i was trapped in there i wouldn't want to be left behind. So she begins to fight this war that was never hers in the first place. She fights but her ammo and skills dont compete because they are being misused. So again she is left defeated, used and alone. So this cycle begins and before she knows it she is almost 20 and finally realizes the mask has toyed and rearranged the last 3 1/2 years of her life. But to find her dignity intact and her love for Jesus Christ strengthened and full of romance. The scars are disappearing. She gets to focus on herself and stare straight into the eyes of the Lord without shame.

She cant run from the past, present, or future but she can take it and keep what has made her bones stronger, her heart prepared, and her mind more clear. She had love for him no doubt, and if she could she would take all his struggles and demolish them, the worlds struggles even, but he just could not sacrifice his selfish desires, but he will someday. Someday he will be free from whatever it was that held his arms down and his voice inside. I may not ever know the reasons why but accepting that is the only way i can heal. 

What amazes me is through the years my love for Jesus has never disappeared, and my faith in his love has never been questioned. I've only questioned myself.  Jesus offers us a love so pure its easy to not feel worthy of it, i know ive felt that way recently.  Purity is what i long for within myself and within my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be sure the love i give is pure and reliable and what better way to learn than to love, Love its self!

Amen.