All because you died that day.

Today is Christmas day, and it was one of the best Christmas's i have ever had. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me and I love in return. Couldn't ask for a better family than i have.

I know not many people read this and really i am ok with that. It's just nice to know that my feelings are being put out there, almost a relief in a way so there not so boggled down inside. Today was a great day but there is a something in the air around me and in me that wanted more. As today came closer to the end and i had moments where i stopped and looked around me i wished there was one person in my life who desired to share these moments with me in a different way. Although i know that day will come soon, its always hard to believe it will. Lately i am wondering if i am becoming that person who looses belief in love. The kind of love that comes rarely from one human to another. Because i have only experienced let down when someone decides to love me, it always comes to an end. So lately when i think of love i think of the times i have been deeply scarred. Maybe the only true love is from God. But then again i have examples of amazing relationship around me so love must be real. I know love is real, after all i am its biggest promoter.  I suppose i had a moment today where i felt so alone, i couldn't breathe. Heck today i was so helpful, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that were crowding space in my head. i picked up every piece garbage i saw, i took pictures, i picked up peoples plates when they were done. If i had a purpose all my misfortunes didn't matter so much. And being single really isn't a misfortune its just not what i want for myself but God knows better.

When i got in the car tonight waiting for my parents to get in, the night concluded. As i sat there i whispered to God "I am ready for commitment, i am ready for what's real."

When i got home from my grandpas i gathered all my gifts and put them in the appropriate places and made sure my room stayed clean. When i was cleaning my room i realized how much i love change. My parents tried to get me to move back into the big room in the garage but i kept refusing and i didn't really have a reason for them. Change is something that sustains me whether its a good or bad thing. I have lived in every room in my house except my parents room. Especially when a memory haunts me in one place i will move to the next and make a better memory to replace it. I am now in the smallest room in the house with a bed that takes up about 70% of the space. But right now i don't think i have ever had a room that represents me more than this one.

In the last year there has been so much change, a lot of it was scary but turned into a beautiful things. We had our first grand baby/niece spend christmas with us this year. Morgan Grace is beautiful and reminds us all how precious life is. We cant get enough of her pure, gentle and perfect love. 

This day will always begin and end with the Birth of Jesus Christ. But instead of focusing only on his birth it is important to remember his death and resurrection.  last night i was working on my parents gift and needed to find a quote or verse to put on their gift. I was thinking and thought of something.

Faith is what you showed…
Love is what you perfected…
Grace is what we receive…

…All because you died that day.

Jesus paid it all. He came for you and i so we could have a love that we could never imagine a tangible love that never ends. He brought light into my life and a promise that can never be taken. I am so thankful to belong to king that loves me more than i could ever love him. 

So i choose to end with that today :)

Pouring Rain Drops Back in to a Cloud

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whisky but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Sugarland: You just might make me believe

I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', there ain't no end in sight
I'm just holdin' on tight

I got someone who loves me more than words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe

It's just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What I'd give for an address out on Easy Street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind

I used to believe in us when times go tough
But lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me
Oh you just make me
You just might make me believe

Oregon

I'm down to a week and half of school left, then home to Oregon. But the end of this semester seems so far off. I am so swamped in papers, and assignments, and finals next week is a different story. My body seems to have given up before i would like it to. I've written 3 papers so far this week and have done 6 assignments, but that isn't even the tip of the iceberg. I need strength, and rest. A good friend suggested i take things one at a time...like baby steps. Good advice but my worrying mind takes over a lot and i keep looking at the big picture! For once i shouldn't look at the big picture right now.

Home to Oregon, sounds really nice, home for good :)

I'm exciting to be moving back home and feel complete peace about it. God has some things waiting for me there and i am excited to receive it.

Now just over this hurtle.

3 research papers, 1 book review, a few assignments and 4 finals away from home.

Lord these days are yours.

I'm an Aunt... finally

Baby Morgan entered the world at 2:50 p.m. Wednesday the 25 th at 8 pounds 4 oz. 20.25 inches.

New Life.

Answered payers.

New Beginnings.

Love has begun again.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Takes Chances

God has a plan.

HE is working in us and he will never stop working in us.

No matter what you do or choose, God will always be making you a better man or women, once you take a new step in life that process does not end.

You don't have to be the best in order to get the best, but having the right motive and attitude is important, and what you decide to do with the best is important.

What I'm trying to say is don't let fear rule your life, and what you feel God is telling you to do, i suggest you do it, but don't be blinded by fear and forget your ability to move.

Your entitled to joy, happiness, and love.

Take every chance to fly.

Don't live a dull life.

Take chances and see what God can do with them.

I see this beautiful life in my dreams. I admit that i have high expectation on my future, also on myself. But is it really all that bad to have amazing expectations on your life? Why is it so looked down upon and seen so unrealistic that i want to be so in love with the man i will marry? If you want it, and i want it, then why can't we have the attitude of love? I believe that my heart is meant to be given away, and yes i can be stupid enough to give it to the wrong people but....but when i give it to the right person, the right people, all that joy surpasses all hurt i have ever felt, that hurt disappears and joy over takes me. 

I deserve to have the love i long to give, and so do you.

And this beautiful life i speak of, the life i live everyday, it has already begun. I may be in waiting but i know that whats coming is beautiful, and I'm not afraid to say that. I am not afraid to say that good things are coming to me because as surely as bad times come good times before and after. So I look forward to the times when I'm in trial because without them i wouldn't know the meaning of love, happiness, belonging, and joy.

I know I will hurt, with or without blame, and i expect it. All i want is for us to stop the doubting and realize that joy resides in you and around you, and its from Jesus Christ. A love coming from Jesus Christ is the perfect love, and thats just something i cant pass up. A love that would die for you and did...Jesus died for you, and so would I.

I am a foolish person. I chase after things that aren't sure while holding a grip on solid ground.  I write things on this blog that may seem way to personal for comfort, for an outsider to read. To me there is no sense holding this inside, or anything for that matter. If we were meant to live in a box then God would not have given us lungs.

Love

In these times God is good, holds me close, and love every part of me.

Most the time i do not feel this world is good, holds me close or loves every part of me.

Unless i fit all of its standards, and of course i have never.

God's love should be represented by our relationships.

Are your relationships reflecting these things that God never fails at? :

God chooses to love us.

Keep no record of our sins.

Calls us beautiful.

Never lets go of our hand.

Comforts our every need.

Gets us roses every year.

Never fails us.

Patient with us.

Is so kind when we turn the wrong way.

He is so faithful to fulfill our needs.

He calls me beautiful.

I am His beloved and He is mine.

He thinks of me more highly than i think of myself.

He never falls short.

He amazes me throughout the day and comforts me by night.

He is all i need.

He is my rock and my shelter.

I will praise Him for my struggles, for i gain strength.

Let God fill you with His Spirit.

Let God over take your heart.

Let God romance you.

Let God control your life.

For if you do you will see amazing things that you yourself cannot explain but just by the mention of His name.

Yet God is all of these things i still forget, hurt, and feel pain.

I am only human and if i did not forget, hurt and feel pain then i would not need God.

I never want to let HIM go.

Thank you for never letting me go.

Jess and I decided to take a few moments out of our weekend and relax!!! haha are you scared? Its actaully a beautiful thing! our skin has never been so soft!! hehe Thank you Jess for spending that 2 dollars along with me to create a great memory. I love you with all my heart :)

I once thought...

I’m trying to follow
I’m trying my best to do what you said
But what about tomorrow 
Are you sure I’m not in over my head 

Everything is changing all around me
Is this the ending of a dream
I thought I was doing what you wanted
It isn’t as easy as it seemed

I’m losing my vision 
I’m fighting the doubting with all that I am
It’s been awhile since you last gave me something 
To go on
Tell me it’s not the end

It seemed like I did everything right 
Now I see that it’s all wrong
Do you want me to move on
Can you tell me where I belong

This life is not mine

It seemed to spin out out of control

Once i took the reins

My vision became blurred

Dont let my eyes get used to darkness

I see the light

Dont let your heart get used to sadness

i will put my hope in what is true.

No matter what the tied pulls 

It will not shake this love

I am drowning in a love so deep

How can i be distracted?

So Lord right now...

Take my selfish desires

Take what is not of your will

I am laying them on the ground

Jesus Save me

From a life so confusing

To a life full of your love.

Strip me.

I want to be naked before You and not feel shame.

I feel so ashamed now

but this is how its supposed to be.

Cover me.

You know my heart Lord

Thoughts of others do not count

You will protect me and you will love me.

In your arms i will remain.

I long to be in control...

I will not find joy in circumstances but in the Lord.

Even when faith is little, hope has run drive and love seems rare, my heart remains sustained in the Lord. Easy to say but hard to achieve.  We have all had our share of hard times, but in those hard times have we taken advantage of the fact that in Him we are safe and secure? Jesus longs for us to allow him to fight for us. We seem to fight little battles everyday but we forget that Jesus already won the war by dying on the cross and sending the Holy Spirit. 

My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I feel like what holds me back from letting all my struggles go is the longing to be in control. I long to be in control of my thoughts, relationships, and everything i do and want, i try so hard to control everything, but really i have never and wont ever have control. The only one who can control anything is God. When we lay down our hurts, desire, self pity order begins to come in our lives and peace drives us and hope is flourished. 

So lets step off that throne and give it to the one who treats us right and that is Jesus Christ the lover of our deepest soul. 

Family is where the heart is.

When i left home my first year of college i couldn't wait to get out of that town. I couldn't wait to begin the dreams that had formed in my mind, to be independent and to see where God would take me and what i would learn. As i was driving away that town disappeared in my rear view mirror, and i wasn't so sad to see it become so distant. 

When i arrived to my destination i was faced with trials, decisions, and paths. I had to gut a lot of things out of my life and start from the a foundation i was thankful i did have. In my mind i saw this soiled, perfectly plowed field, but with buildings that looked crooked and very unstable, some even beginning to rust. God showed me plainly that i needed clear them away and start to grow instead of build, you see we need Gods help to grow a plant, we can't make a plant grow but just give it what it needs...with a building its quite the opposite, we take it upon our selves to pound things together, and we often get what we want, but in this case it wasnt what God wanted. God shatter me, broke me into pieces that grew in the ground.

So some of those decisions influenced home a great deal, home became more of a place i did not want to be, it was a graveyard of memories i never wanted to be reminded of. Yes i had an AMAZING family always waiting at home for me, but i was repulsed by what was waiting for me there and that was pushed down hurts and feelings i covered up. You can see in pervious blogs that dealt with all this hurt and cleaned up a big mess that was deep down inside me. God brought me out of that mess and placed it in front of me and said he wasn't going to move it until i cleaned it up...i really had no choice but to get through it. PRAISE GOD :)

So i couldn't wait to leave...now i get wait to get back there. I miss it so much by heart just longs after that house i grew up in, the parents that love me, my sister and josh who are soon having a baby, my brothers and there wives. I have never been reminded of how great my is family more than i have now, i find myself in deep prayer for them often and think about them no less than every hour of the day. 

I have gone through such a long process in the last year i feel like a completely different person than i was a year ago. In fact i know I'm a different person. I believe it to be a beautiful thing.

I see why i am here, and don't get me wrong i love it here, I'm not miserable at all. I just feel this new and special tug in my heart to be home. Oregon is a beautiful place.

p.s. I truly and dearly love all my friends at PLBC :) You all have been such a blessing me.

Left my crap in the middle of the Field...and left it there.

"When i chase my tail I'll never catch it, but when i go about my business it will follow me." 

The moral is that to achieve happiness we must abandon our striving for a happiness that lies yet ahead of us.

All my life i have always struggled with having my head in the future rather than here and now. I'm so focused on finding happiness in my future that i cant experience happiness right now, blocking me from being content with what i have. This longing for my future has turned me into a person who isn't satisfied with what God has for me right now, and thats not the person i want to be. i want to be a person who is constantly preparing for the future and constantly taking pleasure in the here and now. 

I will never be happy in the future if i don't give life attention now. 

There is so much to work on and strengthen. 

So much to discover.

So much to love.

So i will take joy in waiting.

Waiting on love, triumph and healing.

God is always faithful, He is always true, He is always with us, He is good, so good.

Last night i stood in the middle of a field and asked God...Why? The word "why" began every sentence leaving no room for him to speak.  i felt inadequate to even be a student, i felt irresponsible with my studies, and i felt unloved and left behind. I told God i couldn't hear him anymore, i asked him why he created me to be who i am because i felt worthless, a human with no purpose. I cried tears of confusion and frustration. 

I was a selfish human in the middle of a field. 

I was angry because things weren't going the way i wanted them to go. God didn't send a huge ball of fire and burst me in flames for my selfishness, instead he let me rant and rage in my anger. That is what i had to offer God in the moment...anger, tears, brokenness. 

And thats ok.

And that was enough. 

God met me, and He showed me, His love. 

And thats enough.

Struggling

I' m going to make it to the top of this mountain.

I Have No Fear

Life gets foggy when you don't know quite what you want. Or maybe you do know what you want but certainly don't have the guts to boldly choose it. You see I have fears that should not reside in me. Fears that don't make it possible to lay down my selfish desire. I'm in this place where i'm not sure if I should even take another step. God has put me in this place, but im afraid this desire I have, has twisted my view. The next step is hard to make when i don't have a clear direction or even trust myself.  

Its time to move on. 

Its time to understand what has played out before me. 

Its time to accept what is and prepare for what is going to be. 

God did not bring me out here to drown.

but...

Is it over? 

Is it really over? 

Am i supposed to move on? 

How do i know when its still right in front me? 

I want the answer and i want it now.

But this fear is blocking my next step.

Reaching

This new semester has proved itself to be challenging.

I never to knew the meaning of being overwhelmed til now.

I cant seem to gain control of my spinning reality.

Lord teach me what it looks like to lay down my anxiety and stress.

Lead me down a path intended for me to walk.

I am sorry for my attitude.

I am sorry for my impatience.

Dreaming.

I'm looking for adventure, something that requires doing and discovering. I want to feel things I've never felt before. I want to move and keep moving.

Holding out my heart but clenching it so close. 

Me and God, we've drawn closer. 

He is ravished by me.

And has a hold on me so deep. 

I'm in a place where I am not sure of the next step.

But I cant complain.

I sit in a room and dream of what's ahead.

But I'm not sure what that is.

But I cant complain. 

Dive into the sea.

Jump off a cliff.

Ride a horse.

White water rapids.

Falling in love.

Oak tree in the middle of a field.

An African sunset.

Run 5k.

End of a hike.

View of a thousand acres.

I'm sitting in my room dreaming of what's ahead.

But i cant complain.

HIs will be done in my life.

Life hasn't ever proved itself to be consistent, except the way it changes. Also it seems that our minds and emotions change right along with it. I have learned that when something isn't set in stone you probably shouldn't talk it up to people, because people change and relationships change. 

I guess i caught myself. Caught myself changing, not knowing what God wants anymore. People worry and seem to loose trust in my decisions? Everything gets complicated when only YOU can see and experience what causes those changes and in turn people don't understand you, but then there are few that do.

I Just want all of you to know that God WILL have His way in my life. I will never find joy or happiness if i do not allow it, its as simple as that. I love our Lord and i will gladly fulfill His will in my life :)

If you cannot trust me, then trust the Lord with life.

"When you know the right way to live, you will be miserable living the wrong way."

Meet me....

Dear Leah,

Right and left i see you hurt.

Up and down you go around again.

Dont you see that door in front you?

Lets walk out together.

My hand has always been there.

How many times will you reject me?

My love is real, their love it fails.

I am the light that will guide you home.

No one can love you like me.

I look into your eyes, i want to see you through.

I'm by your side through it all,

because i am in love with you.

Come back to me,

I see something in you no one else can see.

Remember those times we laughed?

:) Your smile is so amazing.

Remember when i made you the happiest you have ever been?

I love seeing your Spirit so free.

Can we go back to that place?

The place of freedom.

When you loved me with all that you had.

When you couldnt look at a sunset without thinking of me.

Will you come?

Come to my safe open arms.

Into that we field we always danced in.

Under that tree where i romanced you.

I am waiting...

Always Yours,

Jesus

HAHA, i love Jesus so much :)

I will have one down moment in a day and he will say all those things to me without fail. This is the best romance ive ever been in :)

Hhehehe, im a giggle monster!

His Light Shines on Me

You wish that person would take those words away.

You wish that person would have loved deeper.

You wish that person would have been selfless.

You wish you would not have said those words.

You wish you would not have loved at all.

You wish you would not have been so selfish.

Some of those statements above i have felt have a meaning that you may not understand by just reading them. Behind them might be scars or wounds. Behind them are moments, experiences, and times of pain. Those statements have caused me to sin.

All the things i have just confessed can be forgotten. There is no use of remembering those times of pain because that will not help me grow, all i do while going over them over and over in my mind is nurture anger. I have replaced them with strength, real love, compassion, grace, and forgiveness. 

If your reading this and you know about this blog most likely you know my past and you know i gave my heart away, but ive come to realize i never gave my heart away. That is right! I really tried to give it away but it was rejected. rejected because the place i was trying to put it wasnt the right place. What i gave away was my emotions. 

This summer has been a process of gutting out and pulling together my emotions. God has been reviving me over and over. I am so thankful to be loved by our God and i am so thankful He gives me grace unending. 

BUt hey i want to give you hope in knowing the past is over and the future is a goal. Only take what you learn and love from the past and throw the rest away, because God has a plan to restore you and use you and love you. God wont put you through anything you cant handle. As it says in 1 john "....the darkness is passing and the true light it already shinning"

My favorite parts of life are when you are coming out of a trial with triumph and knowing you have already won the ones in the future because with God all things are possible.

At the beginning of this summer when i was at my weakest i knew at the end or in the future it was going to be a summer to remember. Perhaps the best summer of my life. It irritated me so much to know i was in the midst of so pain yet i couldn't have restoration at that moment. I'm sure most of you would disagree and say i could have that in that moment, but the process i had to undergo couldn't happen over night. In fact it was important that it didn't. 

I feel like the free Spirited Leah again. I can see and hear the Lord clearly again. I am free to hang from trees and love my enemies :) if i have any. I cant watch a sunset or look deeply at creation with getting all teary eyed and overwhelmed by His Spirit again ! It's so great! 

Praise Him for my struggles.

Praise Him for my victories.

Man i am so in love with Him.

Spend Time With Me.

Your voice will be heard,

Through my sinful mouth.

Your love will be felt,

Through my weary hands.

Your salvation will be seen,

Through my weak words.

Your faithfulness will be known,

Through my hesitant actions. 

...To all generations and nations. 

Thank you Lord that you make me strong. 

My calling is known but my destination is a mystery. Where will i land? Or will i land? What land will my God take me? It must be far and it must be wide. These desires and dreams that i do not yet know the details of keep getting bigger. Every time i think upon the Lord, He reminds me of these dreams i feel as though i have not yet grasped. The capacity of my dreams cannot or it cannot fit into my common sense. In the last 2 weeks i have not been able to keep back my joyful tears when i encounter God. I tell you the truth that this love consumes and renews me, i do not lie when i say the presence of God over takes my whole being. I want to shout from the mountain tops how much i adore and love our great God.  I cannot stay silent, i know soon God will show me where im going. I know that soon i will be used in a great way. I KNOW because HE told me. 

Right know its 12:50 AM, and God will not let me sleep. He said "Spend time with me Leah" and in the last 3 days i have never spent more time with Him in my life! But yet he longs for more of me, more than anyone else does, and by me writing this is spending time with God. 

I am so IN LOVE with our creator, i feel as though my veins could explode! ITS an AMAZING rushing feeling, but its only begun! And thats the beauty of God, HE NEVER ENDS. He surprises me everyday, and loves me. My smile is radiant because of Him. But i still always ask the question to God "Is it time yet?" Is it time for the next step? I'm always looking ahead but i should be asking, "Lord how will you use me today?" or "What can i do for you?" Because im ready and willing! 

BAH! i could scream, i just want to go! i want to be a part in something HUGE that God wants to do in all the nations! I want to move and keeping moving! What is this destination God has for me? What is the purpose of this restlessness? i know God has me here right now to learn more and be well equipped...but i cant help but yearn for that beginning process to be over and start getting down and dirty with unbelievers. And seeing Souls saved. 

How many mountains will i climb until im satisfied? i know that answer to that one... and the answer is i will always keep climbing! 

Every time i worship the Lord i get this amazingly joyful, peaceful, renewing image in my head. The vision he blesses me with is this: Me Jesus are in bright purple lavender fields. He begins by walking me, holding my hand to the center of the field. Surrounding us are great mountains that i have never seen before. The air is warm. I am wearing a white cotton dress. As the music begins he offers His hand, and i gently grasp it. As the wind blows and the sun is shinning we begin to dance.  He does not take His eyes off of me, he looks at me with love, a burning love. We dance slowly and we dance fast!  He has whispered a number of things in me ear. "I will make all things beautiful in my time" "I have made you beautiful" "Show my love." and my favorite :) "I just cant stop thinking about you" This is what i mean when i say our God romances me. And this is why I am such a romantic! Because both my earthly and my heavenly fathers have loved me and romanced me. Making me feel worthy and beautiful. And all i want is for others to feel what i feel. HIS LOVE, HIS UNENDING LOVE! LOVE!

So come dance with us in the fields of grace.

Beauty Will Come

IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.
IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME

Real Fast

Sometimes life gets interesting real fast. And you wonder how it did! right now im filled with giggles, laughing at life, but im also freaked out that it might happen to me. BUt im determined to keep on the straight and narrow and put others feelings above my own. Being in a small bible college things can get real messy real fast when you live in close quarters, but im determined to focus on God and let him take my hand lead me. 

When things get messy you become selfish and focus on what you want other than what you are meant to be. My motives will lay aside all selfish desires and i will only act on God's desires. Sound easy? yeah its defiantly not but i am willing.

Prayer: Lord show me what it means to lay aside my own desires, show how to to love others with a pure love and not a fake stab your back kind of love. Help me to be known for your love and not for what i selfishly want. I am waiting on you Lord, you make all things beautiful in your time. I love you Lord.

-your princess 

Dreams that become reality

As i walk through life holding the hand of God, and as i trust God more, my dreams grow bigger. I have these dreams that i think about often, dreams that start as visions from God. As i think about these huge dreams everyday, the thought of knowing that there is someone out there that has dreams that will align with mine becomes evident, but then again having a different view of these dreams. God has placed in me a desire to keep dreaming bigger, and it seems as though i cant stop. These dreams are the same as when i was 5, these dreams are the same as when i was 16, these dreams simply get bigger. God places visions in me that add onto these dreams and guide me a little further. I may not speak of these dreams to often but they are steady in my head being protected until God gives me the signal to make a move. 

One day i want my dreams to define me, for God to be known by these dreams. I have allowed God to come into the deep dark places of my heart, to make His love known and to stay. He is my knight and shinning armor, He builds around my heart protection that will defend. He sheds His beauty on me everyday, and everyday i ask for it be revealed. In His daughter he puts visions, visions that she turns into dreams, and dreams that become reality.

I cant help but put that smile on that he has given me.

One day you will here of God's glory being revealed through these dreams.

Tragedy

So here I am Lord, Broken beyond belief.

I wonder at this moment how i have arrived.

Although he was a thief.

I still pray, hope and know he will succeed. 

You brought me words,

Words i did not know the meaning of.

The day came once again like a stabbing of a sword.

And those words brought me through.

Faithful doesnt give justice,

Love doesnt even explain,

Hope isnt even the feeling,

Because you are beyond all those words.

I saw the smoke in the distance,

but I chose to turn away and help the past.

That signal was my lifeline,

Until i answered i was only dead.

How would one that is already dead bring life to the ceased?

I became a fool lost the ways of a lifeless child.

I forgot how to decrease.

So you can increase.

While i was dead and without peace,

You were speaking.

I could not grasp them,

Although i was reaching.

Now you have restored my vision.

My life has just begun.

Tragedy has brought me joy.

And salvation is my gun.

Dance has sprung in my feet again.

You O'Lord keep my heart.

Safe from any harm.

So lets go back to the start.

My smile has been consumed.

You wonder why im lost?

BUt how am i supposed to be glued?

Do you think I'm forgone? 

I thread through you a color so bright.

Why did you run?

Let me love that part that has died.

Have i past?

This love that has grown inside me.

I want to find reason in why its there.

The door behind me was forced shut.

Two open on either side of me, what if i go through the wrong one?

Will you still be there in the end? when i fail...

This heart has been broken, this heart has healed.

But i always run right back to the start.

When i'm finally satisfied.

I'm fixing something invisible.

Its not my duty.

This time im not turing back,

This time im pushing my love through

i died. Have i died?

My soul is on the floor trying to find its heart.

My arms are over the edge feeling the bottom.

My legs are twisted, lost in there ways.

My stomach is inflamed, with insanity.

The head is calling them home.

"Come love, Come.

I'm afraid you have lost heart.

I'm afraid you have lost your ground.

I'm afraid youve left the path.

Let me take away your sin."

This sin that has en-gulped my neck.

But my neck will always keep my chin up.

These chains are only sand.

Sand has yet to prove itself.

So why should i be pulled by sin?

Thats it, I'm climbing up!

'You cant reach the top.

There is nothing left to grap on to.

It is flashy with ribbons and curls.

I will spin you and touch you.

Your bags are packed lets run, run, run away.'

The top is near.

I see a ledge.

Ribbons and curls will only squeeze my throat.

Your hands are cut off, you have no touch on me.

I'm already out of here.

So its time to be saturated.

Break my heart til i am consumed

Rebuild my flesh

Break these sinful desires, to there death.

I have been broken.

I have been healed.

You O'Lord have my heart.

And forever it will stay.

This Love consumes me, It renews me.

Lets laugh together, and raise our hands high.

O'Lord this smile, you bring upon my face!

This Love consumes me, It renews me. 

I'm dancin' in Your Feilds!

I'm light on my feet, My chains have been lifted!

This enemy has no hold on me!

Lets dance til the set of the sun!

This Love consumes me, it renews me.

My hands lift my heart unto you.

Break my flesh, Rebuild this heart.

This Love consumes me, it renews me.

This world with its lies i call not my home.

I look into your eyes, fulfillment has surpassed my belief!

You are my home, in your arms i will lay.

O'Lord here you will be.

This Love consumes me, it renews me.

Lets laugh together, our hearts are joined.

My smile has become radiant, You have rebuilt me.

This love consumes me, it renews me.

Give your LIFE

I think about the life I live
A figure made of clay
I think about the things I lost
The things I gave away

And when I’m in a certain mood
I search the halls and look
One night I found these magic words
In a magic book

Throw it away
Throw it away
Give your love, live your life
Each and every day
And keep your hands wide open
Let the sun shine through
‘Cause you can never lose a thing
If it belongs to you

There’s a hand to rock the cradle
There’s a hand to help us stand
With a gentle kind of motion
As it moves across this land

And to hands unclenched and open
Gifts of life and love it brings
So keep your hands wide open
If you’re needing anything

Throw it away
Throw it away
Give your love, live your life
Each and every day
And keep your hands wide open
Let the sun shine through
‘Cause you can never lose a thing
If it belongs to you

-Fiction Family

New beginnings once again.

Hello friends and family :)

I am back in Canada and have gotten all settled in my OWN dorm room and have started classes. Classes are amazing and I am learning so much already and anxious to soak it all in.

I was really excited to get back and be with my new friends and be "free" again with my car of course:) But when i got here i was hit with a struggle and a slight depression. My head was everywhere trying to make my world start spinning again, but i felt like it was out of my hands and i just had to wait for the engine to get fixed. Have you ever been faced with so many options? And you didnt know which one you wanted, but you knew you had to choose? But then realize you didnt want any of them? OK maybe that is a vague and broad comment, but that was how i was feeling. I felt as though i was praying for the impossible, praying that God would take this out of my hands and let someone else decide, that God would solve this without my help. i felt as though i was praying that only because i didnt want to deal with it, i wanted to to avoid it really. BUT God did exactly that he took it and worked in that person and His will, will be done :) does anyone know how free i feel right now? The engine is back up and running and Leah is free like a bird again, and thats how it should be.

My dreams have been confirmed and Gods vision for me is being protected and i am preparing my self for that vision.

I have been chosen as a Life Group leader, to mentor over three girls, but really we are all one. But yesterday was the first day i lead the group. I was so pumped to lead them into a time of devotion and surrendering to the God of all comfort. Before we met i prayed one of the most powerful and meaningful prayer i have ever cried out. Have you ever prayed a prayer that you instantly knew would be answered? its almost like a jolt of lightening going through you, so much peace comes and confidence to move. AMAZING! I prayed for our life group that we would come together as one and that the Holy Spirit would move in us. And so He did! we started off by talking about our week and how our lives were going and so on. Then i asked them what kind of fears they had and/or lies that have been fed to them, lies they have grown to believe or burden them, and as we discussed them we encouraged each other. Then i had them write them down, then i took them out to the field to the fire pit to burn them. Before i had each one of the lies burned i had them out loud say the lie and turn it in to truth. :) So instead of saying "i am not beautiful" they said out loud with confidence "I AM BEAUTIFUL" so one by one they declared truth! and we BURNED THE LIES! After we were done burning the lies together we prayed and together in the field we should at the top of our lungs "WE ARE DELIVERED!!!!"  and right there we spoke the truth and we were delivered. AMEN 

Psalms 34:11-14

Come my children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

Whoever of you loves life

and desires to see many good days,

keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from speaking lies.

Turn from evil and do good;

seek peace and PURSUE it. 

The last few weeks me and Katie have grown to be even closer friends. it is such a joy to have her in my life and to be a strength for her. I am so grateful she is able to be a strength for me as well. we pretty much have spent most our free time together and encouraging and laughing together...so much fun times :)