Next chapter.

Ever want to skip the Chapter your in?

I've always wanted to feel things and learn things but never have anyone notice. Hoping I could go through this rough patch without loosing the perception you have of me. People can be locked inside there own body and no one ever tells them its ok to become vulnerable. Vulnerability is where real beauty is received. If you never see me struggle ill just become a person who looks good on paper. Or someone you will never admire. Someone who lives simply with no stories to tell.

I want you to know its ok to fall, and its ok to stand up in front of everyone and try again. You may get your heart broken more than once, maybe you will sound like a broken record, but living your life adventuring into every corner is worth the risk. I promise you will have a story at the end of this people can learn from.

Don't ever regret loving someone, but dont ever compromise who you are here to be. Don't let things go unsaid, but don't forget how your own heart has been bruised.

Allow people to be vulnerable with you. Love them and hold there hand as they walk away from there fears, doubts, and sins.

And when you get to the parts you want to skip remember hold onto your purpose in Jesus. I loose my balance on this tight rope, but there is nothing that can ketch me like the love I have available to me through Christ. So when I have to come clean and I am vulnerable to you all, I will be safe. Everyone has there knew beginnings when they realize who they are is not who they have been. Through all this comes transparency.

Hide no more.

Enjoy where you are.

Be who you are.

Discover those around you.

I'll Never Let You Go

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Tenth Avenue North)

New Love.

------

So maybe someday we will figure all this out. Maybe someday we will be better off. Maybe some day we will know just how good it can get. But really there are no words right now...its just that same big sigh i give with a frog in the back of my throat. Knowing that i did it again, knowing i seeked a filling to my heart in the wrong place...the same place. 

------

When will i learn?

i was expected to not give up and suffer.

When will you know?

-----

A love that had never been deeper.

Is lost.

But a new one begins. And He never fails me.

Hallelujah He Reigns, He Reigns in my heart.

Prayer:

Lord being still is what I need.

Being transparent is what i need to achieve.

Lord your brightness is being covered by dark clouds.

So Lord let it rain down on me. 

And when it clears, it will be a new day. 

And so that day belongs to you.

Then when my heart bumps it will be a loving beat :)

Lord lets go to our secret place, in the field of serenity, just you and me.

Remember how we would dance, in those lavender fields. 

Find me there again.

Then under that Oak tree we will rest.

And there, you will cure my heart.

To you be the glory.

Amen

Me Vs. The Mask

Lets face it Love can easily fit behind a mask.

Mask of Words.

Mask of Sex.

Mask of holding.

Mask of a smile.

Mask of promises.

But what really is behind the mask is lies.

The enemy molds people to break their promises, to restrict themselves from showing how they can love. Lives are destroyed by the misuse of love, countries even. So why do we still go after it? Why do we always fall so hard when we know what made us fall before? The world has put on a mask of love but what really is behind the mask is a deceiver. 

So why i ask again? 

Because we all know we have a real genuine love to give.

False relationships of love can tear a person apart, left feeling used and alone. So how do you avoid this? What would have made you wait until you had God's permission? Honestly looking back as a 16 year i dont think there was a thing in the world that would have stopped me. All i new was pure love, i had never felt mistreated in my entire life so i was naive enough to believe that would never happen to me because i never saw myself mistreating someone. The mask was so real looking, and there was a big heart inside i wanted to hold.

Then there comes a point where the mask comes off. You are aware of its powers but you believe you know the person trapped inside really loves you. So what do you do then? How do you leave someone behind that you have given more than you should to? After all if i was trapped in there i wouldn't want to be left behind. So she begins to fight this war that was never hers in the first place. She fights but her ammo and skills dont compete because they are being misused. So again she is left defeated, used and alone. So this cycle begins and before she knows it she is almost 20 and finally realizes the mask has toyed and rearranged the last 3 1/2 years of her life. But to find her dignity intact and her love for Jesus Christ strengthened and full of romance. The scars are disappearing. She gets to focus on herself and stare straight into the eyes of the Lord without shame.

She cant run from the past, present, or future but she can take it and keep what has made her bones stronger, her heart prepared, and her mind more clear. She had love for him no doubt, and if she could she would take all his struggles and demolish them, the worlds struggles even, but he just could not sacrifice his selfish desires, but he will someday. Someday he will be free from whatever it was that held his arms down and his voice inside. I may not ever know the reasons why but accepting that is the only way i can heal. 

What amazes me is through the years my love for Jesus has never disappeared, and my faith in his love has never been questioned. I've only questioned myself.  Jesus offers us a love so pure its easy to not feel worthy of it, i know ive felt that way recently.  Purity is what i long for within myself and within my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want to be sure the love i give is pure and reliable and what better way to learn than to love, Love its self!

Amen.

All because you died that day.

Today is Christmas day, and it was one of the best Christmas's i have ever had. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me and I love in return. Couldn't ask for a better family than i have.

I know not many people read this and really i am ok with that. It's just nice to know that my feelings are being put out there, almost a relief in a way so there not so boggled down inside. Today was a great day but there is a something in the air around me and in me that wanted more. As today came closer to the end and i had moments where i stopped and looked around me i wished there was one person in my life who desired to share these moments with me in a different way. Although i know that day will come soon, its always hard to believe it will. Lately i am wondering if i am becoming that person who looses belief in love. The kind of love that comes rarely from one human to another. Because i have only experienced let down when someone decides to love me, it always comes to an end. So lately when i think of love i think of the times i have been deeply scarred. Maybe the only true love is from God. But then again i have examples of amazing relationship around me so love must be real. I know love is real, after all i am its biggest promoter.  I suppose i had a moment today where i felt so alone, i couldn't breathe. Heck today i was so helpful, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that were crowding space in my head. i picked up every piece garbage i saw, i took pictures, i picked up peoples plates when they were done. If i had a purpose all my misfortunes didn't matter so much. And being single really isn't a misfortune its just not what i want for myself but God knows better.

When i got in the car tonight waiting for my parents to get in, the night concluded. As i sat there i whispered to God "I am ready for commitment, i am ready for what's real."

When i got home from my grandpas i gathered all my gifts and put them in the appropriate places and made sure my room stayed clean. When i was cleaning my room i realized how much i love change. My parents tried to get me to move back into the big room in the garage but i kept refusing and i didn't really have a reason for them. Change is something that sustains me whether its a good or bad thing. I have lived in every room in my house except my parents room. Especially when a memory haunts me in one place i will move to the next and make a better memory to replace it. I am now in the smallest room in the house with a bed that takes up about 70% of the space. But right now i don't think i have ever had a room that represents me more than this one.

In the last year there has been so much change, a lot of it was scary but turned into a beautiful things. We had our first grand baby/niece spend christmas with us this year. Morgan Grace is beautiful and reminds us all how precious life is. We cant get enough of her pure, gentle and perfect love. 

This day will always begin and end with the Birth of Jesus Christ. But instead of focusing only on his birth it is important to remember his death and resurrection.  last night i was working on my parents gift and needed to find a quote or verse to put on their gift. I was thinking and thought of something.

Faith is what you showed…
Love is what you perfected…
Grace is what we receive…

…All because you died that day.

Jesus paid it all. He came for you and i so we could have a love that we could never imagine a tangible love that never ends. He brought light into my life and a promise that can never be taken. I am so thankful to belong to king that loves me more than i could ever love him. 

So i choose to end with that today :)

Pouring Rain Drops Back in to a Cloud

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whisky but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Sugarland: You just might make me believe

I got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide
Bills on the table gettin' higher and higher
They just keep on comin', there ain't no end in sight
I'm just holdin' on tight

I got someone who loves me more than words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me believe

It's just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What I'd give for an address out on Easy Street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind

I used to believe in us when times go tough
But lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave
You just might make me
Oh you just make me
You just might make me believe

Oregon

I'm down to a week and half of school left, then home to Oregon. But the end of this semester seems so far off. I am so swamped in papers, and assignments, and finals next week is a different story. My body seems to have given up before i would like it to. I've written 3 papers so far this week and have done 6 assignments, but that isn't even the tip of the iceberg. I need strength, and rest. A good friend suggested i take things one at a time...like baby steps. Good advice but my worrying mind takes over a lot and i keep looking at the big picture! For once i shouldn't look at the big picture right now.

Home to Oregon, sounds really nice, home for good :)

I'm exciting to be moving back home and feel complete peace about it. God has some things waiting for me there and i am excited to receive it.

Now just over this hurtle.

3 research papers, 1 book review, a few assignments and 4 finals away from home.

Lord these days are yours.

I'm an Aunt... finally

Baby Morgan entered the world at 2:50 p.m. Wednesday the 25 th at 8 pounds 4 oz. 20.25 inches.

New Life.

Answered payers.

New Beginnings.

Love has begun again.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Takes Chances

God has a plan.

HE is working in us and he will never stop working in us.

No matter what you do or choose, God will always be making you a better man or women, once you take a new step in life that process does not end.

You don't have to be the best in order to get the best, but having the right motive and attitude is important, and what you decide to do with the best is important.

What I'm trying to say is don't let fear rule your life, and what you feel God is telling you to do, i suggest you do it, but don't be blinded by fear and forget your ability to move.

Your entitled to joy, happiness, and love.

Take every chance to fly.

Don't live a dull life.

Take chances and see what God can do with them.

I see this beautiful life in my dreams. I admit that i have high expectation on my future, also on myself. But is it really all that bad to have amazing expectations on your life? Why is it so looked down upon and seen so unrealistic that i want to be so in love with the man i will marry? If you want it, and i want it, then why can't we have the attitude of love? I believe that my heart is meant to be given away, and yes i can be stupid enough to give it to the wrong people but....but when i give it to the right person, the right people, all that joy surpasses all hurt i have ever felt, that hurt disappears and joy over takes me. 

I deserve to have the love i long to give, and so do you.

And this beautiful life i speak of, the life i live everyday, it has already begun. I may be in waiting but i know that whats coming is beautiful, and I'm not afraid to say that. I am not afraid to say that good things are coming to me because as surely as bad times come good times before and after. So I look forward to the times when I'm in trial because without them i wouldn't know the meaning of love, happiness, belonging, and joy.

I know I will hurt, with or without blame, and i expect it. All i want is for us to stop the doubting and realize that joy resides in you and around you, and its from Jesus Christ. A love coming from Jesus Christ is the perfect love, and thats just something i cant pass up. A love that would die for you and did...Jesus died for you, and so would I.

I am a foolish person. I chase after things that aren't sure while holding a grip on solid ground.  I write things on this blog that may seem way to personal for comfort, for an outsider to read. To me there is no sense holding this inside, or anything for that matter. If we were meant to live in a box then God would not have given us lungs.