Love

In these times God is good, holds me close, and love every part of me.

Most the time i do not feel this world is good, holds me close or loves every part of me.

Unless i fit all of its standards, and of course i have never.

God's love should be represented by our relationships.

Are your relationships reflecting these things that God never fails at? :

God chooses to love us.

Keep no record of our sins.

Calls us beautiful.

Never lets go of our hand.

Comforts our every need.

Gets us roses every year.

Never fails us.

Patient with us.

Is so kind when we turn the wrong way.

He is so faithful to fulfill our needs.

He calls me beautiful.

I am His beloved and He is mine.

He thinks of me more highly than i think of myself.

He never falls short.

He amazes me throughout the day and comforts me by night.

He is all i need.

He is my rock and my shelter.

I will praise Him for my struggles, for i gain strength.

Let God fill you with His Spirit.

Let God over take your heart.

Let God romance you.

Let God control your life.

For if you do you will see amazing things that you yourself cannot explain but just by the mention of His name.

Yet God is all of these things i still forget, hurt, and feel pain.

I am only human and if i did not forget, hurt and feel pain then i would not need God.

I never want to let HIM go.

Thank you for never letting me go.

Jess and I decided to take a few moments out of our weekend and relax!!! haha are you scared? Its actaully a beautiful thing! our skin has never been so soft!! hehe Thank you Jess for spending that 2 dollars along with me to create a great memory. I love you with all my heart :)

I once thought...

I’m trying to follow
I’m trying my best to do what you said
But what about tomorrow 
Are you sure I’m not in over my head 

Everything is changing all around me
Is this the ending of a dream
I thought I was doing what you wanted
It isn’t as easy as it seemed

I’m losing my vision 
I’m fighting the doubting with all that I am
It’s been awhile since you last gave me something 
To go on
Tell me it’s not the end

It seemed like I did everything right 
Now I see that it’s all wrong
Do you want me to move on
Can you tell me where I belong

This life is not mine

It seemed to spin out out of control

Once i took the reins

My vision became blurred

Dont let my eyes get used to darkness

I see the light

Dont let your heart get used to sadness

i will put my hope in what is true.

No matter what the tied pulls 

It will not shake this love

I am drowning in a love so deep

How can i be distracted?

So Lord right now...

Take my selfish desires

Take what is not of your will

I am laying them on the ground

Jesus Save me

From a life so confusing

To a life full of your love.

Strip me.

I want to be naked before You and not feel shame.

I feel so ashamed now

but this is how its supposed to be.

Cover me.

You know my heart Lord

Thoughts of others do not count

You will protect me and you will love me.

In your arms i will remain.

I long to be in control...

I will not find joy in circumstances but in the Lord.

Even when faith is little, hope has run drive and love seems rare, my heart remains sustained in the Lord. Easy to say but hard to achieve.  We have all had our share of hard times, but in those hard times have we taken advantage of the fact that in Him we are safe and secure? Jesus longs for us to allow him to fight for us. We seem to fight little battles everyday but we forget that Jesus already won the war by dying on the cross and sending the Holy Spirit. 

My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. I feel like what holds me back from letting all my struggles go is the longing to be in control. I long to be in control of my thoughts, relationships, and everything i do and want, i try so hard to control everything, but really i have never and wont ever have control. The only one who can control anything is God. When we lay down our hurts, desire, self pity order begins to come in our lives and peace drives us and hope is flourished. 

So lets step off that throne and give it to the one who treats us right and that is Jesus Christ the lover of our deepest soul. 

Family is where the heart is.

When i left home my first year of college i couldn't wait to get out of that town. I couldn't wait to begin the dreams that had formed in my mind, to be independent and to see where God would take me and what i would learn. As i was driving away that town disappeared in my rear view mirror, and i wasn't so sad to see it become so distant. 

When i arrived to my destination i was faced with trials, decisions, and paths. I had to gut a lot of things out of my life and start from the a foundation i was thankful i did have. In my mind i saw this soiled, perfectly plowed field, but with buildings that looked crooked and very unstable, some even beginning to rust. God showed me plainly that i needed clear them away and start to grow instead of build, you see we need Gods help to grow a plant, we can't make a plant grow but just give it what it needs...with a building its quite the opposite, we take it upon our selves to pound things together, and we often get what we want, but in this case it wasnt what God wanted. God shatter me, broke me into pieces that grew in the ground.

So some of those decisions influenced home a great deal, home became more of a place i did not want to be, it was a graveyard of memories i never wanted to be reminded of. Yes i had an AMAZING family always waiting at home for me, but i was repulsed by what was waiting for me there and that was pushed down hurts and feelings i covered up. You can see in pervious blogs that dealt with all this hurt and cleaned up a big mess that was deep down inside me. God brought me out of that mess and placed it in front of me and said he wasn't going to move it until i cleaned it up...i really had no choice but to get through it. PRAISE GOD :)

So i couldn't wait to leave...now i get wait to get back there. I miss it so much by heart just longs after that house i grew up in, the parents that love me, my sister and josh who are soon having a baby, my brothers and there wives. I have never been reminded of how great my is family more than i have now, i find myself in deep prayer for them often and think about them no less than every hour of the day. 

I have gone through such a long process in the last year i feel like a completely different person than i was a year ago. In fact i know I'm a different person. I believe it to be a beautiful thing.

I see why i am here, and don't get me wrong i love it here, I'm not miserable at all. I just feel this new and special tug in my heart to be home. Oregon is a beautiful place.

p.s. I truly and dearly love all my friends at PLBC :) You all have been such a blessing me.

Left my crap in the middle of the Field...and left it there.

"When i chase my tail I'll never catch it, but when i go about my business it will follow me." 

The moral is that to achieve happiness we must abandon our striving for a happiness that lies yet ahead of us.

All my life i have always struggled with having my head in the future rather than here and now. I'm so focused on finding happiness in my future that i cant experience happiness right now, blocking me from being content with what i have. This longing for my future has turned me into a person who isn't satisfied with what God has for me right now, and thats not the person i want to be. i want to be a person who is constantly preparing for the future and constantly taking pleasure in the here and now. 

I will never be happy in the future if i don't give life attention now. 

There is so much to work on and strengthen. 

So much to discover.

So much to love.

So i will take joy in waiting.

Waiting on love, triumph and healing.

God is always faithful, He is always true, He is always with us, He is good, so good.

Last night i stood in the middle of a field and asked God...Why? The word "why" began every sentence leaving no room for him to speak.  i felt inadequate to even be a student, i felt irresponsible with my studies, and i felt unloved and left behind. I told God i couldn't hear him anymore, i asked him why he created me to be who i am because i felt worthless, a human with no purpose. I cried tears of confusion and frustration. 

I was a selfish human in the middle of a field. 

I was angry because things weren't going the way i wanted them to go. God didn't send a huge ball of fire and burst me in flames for my selfishness, instead he let me rant and rage in my anger. That is what i had to offer God in the moment...anger, tears, brokenness. 

And thats ok.

And that was enough. 

God met me, and He showed me, His love. 

And thats enough.

Struggling

I' m going to make it to the top of this mountain.

I Have No Fear

Life gets foggy when you don't know quite what you want. Or maybe you do know what you want but certainly don't have the guts to boldly choose it. You see I have fears that should not reside in me. Fears that don't make it possible to lay down my selfish desire. I'm in this place where i'm not sure if I should even take another step. God has put me in this place, but im afraid this desire I have, has twisted my view. The next step is hard to make when i don't have a clear direction or even trust myself.  

Its time to move on. 

Its time to understand what has played out before me. 

Its time to accept what is and prepare for what is going to be. 

God did not bring me out here to drown.

but...

Is it over? 

Is it really over? 

Am i supposed to move on? 

How do i know when its still right in front me? 

I want the answer and i want it now.

But this fear is blocking my next step.

Reaching

This new semester has proved itself to be challenging.

I never to knew the meaning of being overwhelmed til now.

I cant seem to gain control of my spinning reality.

Lord teach me what it looks like to lay down my anxiety and stress.

Lead me down a path intended for me to walk.

I am sorry for my attitude.

I am sorry for my impatience.